CREATING POST-WEDDING BLISS

So here you are. Your wedding dress is on a hanger next to the door, ready to go to the dry cleaners for embalming. Your wedding gifts are stacked high in the dining room, blocking your way to the kitchen.
And your brand-new husband -- the guy who had looked so dapper and stole your heart in his Armani tuxedo the other day -- is brushing his teeth in the grossest way imaginable and is taking up the whole bathroom counter with his wet towel, styling brushes, and enormous tub of hair gel.
Ugh. Guess you hadn't really thought about this part...

Post-wedding loss
"It's ironic that the accomplishment creates loss," admitted David Glover, marriage family therapist and owner of New Directions Counselling Centre in Adelaide.
"What happens is that, after the wedding day, there can suddenly be an absence of direction. The goal has been reached and you realize you have no other goal. There's a feeling of, 'Now where do I get my identification?' 'Where do I get attention?'"
The bride who -- for months on end -- was the object of every discussion and the centre of every plan is suddenly, now, well, a wife. And that doesn't sound so hot.
Bride vs. Wife
"Bride" is shrouded in organza, with flowing skirts and a plunging neckline. "Wife," however, is more like navy sweats and shoes that you can wear while walking the dog.
"Part of the problem here is that the goal that gets marketed, especially to girls, is to be the bride, not to be the life partner. So when the wedding day is over, the goal is, essentially, reached," said Glover.
So what's a couple to do? Is there a way to combat this rude awakening?
Goal: Be a happy couple
"What we should do instead," said Glover, "is help girls -- all kids, really - realize that the goal is not to be the bride or the groom. The goal is to be a happy couple. The wedding day is just a stepping stone toward that."
With this in mind, the wedding day becomes a great successful step toward a much larger lifetime goal. And the goal continues to grow and change with you.
"If the couple were to look at some life planning -- lay a course so there's somewhere to go -- that can help alleviate some of that feeling. It's a very normal state of affairs to feel some melancholy after a huge event, so we probably can't eliminate it. But we can alleviate it by making some life plans before the wedding."
Talk it out
Patricia Alder, marriage family therapist based in Brisbane, agrees that the life planning is imperative. She feels strongly that couples need to spend as much time talking about their lives as husband and wife as their day as bride and groom.
"Although you will continue to talk about the same things you have been discussing since the beginning of the relationship, now, in the Negotiation Period, there is a greater weight to resolving things because these are issues that you will live with daily for the rest of your lives," recommends Alder.
"Of course, life means change, and you both must constantly renegotiate. But negotiating things before trouble strikes eliminates a lot of stress on a couple."
Look at the big picture
So you can keep dreaming of the organza ribbon and the pearl-studded veil, but be sure to take a step back into reality between fittings and recognize that the truly important planning is the planning you do to make your marriage work.
If you take some time to talk about your life as a couple, mapping out and negotiating the terms of your life together, you won't be so surprised by the reality of everyday life. Not even the tub of hair gel.

4 TOPICS TO DISCUSS BEFORE YOU WED:

" Division of time
How you would like to divide your time between "I" (alone), "we" (together) and "we" (with other people, especially family)
" Space
Where you're going to live, how rooms/closets/drawers are going to be shared, how you're going to divide chores
" Money
Who is going to make the money, who is going to handle the cheque book, how the money is going to be distributed
" Play
What constitutes fun for you, both in nonsexual play as well as sexual play

Patricia recommends that you regularly discuss these four issues even after the wedding bells have rung - monthly in the first year, bimonthly in the second, and at least every three months for the remainder of the relationship. Renegotiate your terms if necessary.

THE QUESTIONS TO ASK
Patricia recommends asking four questions during your pre-wedding discussions:
" What do I want?
" What do you want?
" What do I not want?
" What do you not want?
Then you both have to agree.