Good evening everyone, for those of you who don't know me my name is "Tom would you like another beer". Please feel free to come and say hello to me as often as possible during the course of the evening. Officially I am Gary's brother-in-law but I am fortunate enough to count myself as friend first. I am up here tonight for both of those reasons.
I have a couple of formal duties to perform and the first of these is no chore at all. Ladies and gentlemen please prepare your glasses. On the bridal table you will notice three young ladies whose job it was to assist Jenny on her most memorable day. Traditionally this is done by enveloping the bride in security, confidence, sharing and beauty. This they (use names) did today without peer and with the added virtue of fertility. TO THE BEAUTIFUL BRIDESMAIDS!
It is also incumbent upon me, because I chose to do so, to thank the groomsmen. Their decorum, regal bearing, not to mention handsomeness could be said to have really made the day. Of course that would be a load of bull. Instead, on behalf of the three of us I'd like to thank Gary for choosing us from the some 4 billion possible candidates. No, seriously, we are extremely honoured. And naturally we would like to thank Jenny for ratifying the decision. TO THE GROOMSMEN!

Okay. I must note that the ladies involved in today's production have requested that I refrain from using unnecessary vulgarity and sexual references and I have endeavoured to comply. So, here we go.

FORNICATION! (loud)

Sorry, let me begin again. For-an-occasion such as this, it is customary to say a few words about the groom and relate a little history.
For those of you who don't know, Gary spent a significant portion of his youth growing up in the Mediterranean. He is invariably described during this phase as the quintessential boy. Scraped knees and elbows were his trademark, as were broken limbs, punctured cheeks, spiked temples and so on. When he wasn't swimming or fishing in the Mediterranean he was running through the fields collecting boy things like rocks and sticks and disgusting animals. He had as pet almost every small animal known to man, as well as a few unidentifiable species, all of which were found or rescued from his stomping grounds. What I love being able to say is that this boy is still never far from the surface. I want to point out though that there was one pet denied to him despite his longing. He always wanted a monkey. I find it ironic that he has now married a girl who has no desire for a monkey at all. What made you change your mind Jenny?

Coming to Australia only gave Gary a larger stomping ground and today you'll find him an eager traveller, camper, fisherman, skier, outdoorsman, 4Wder and sailor.
You'll also find him a more sophisticated man these days, equally as interested in fine wine, fine food, a good play, fine food, cultured décor, fine food, nice cars and fine food.

When you get a quiet moment with him however you may want to ask him
a) About trees in the Mountains that jump out in front of your car.
b) Why there was a hole in the wall behind his Farrah Fawcett Majors poster.
c) Why on earth he sucked a cane toad in QLD.
d) What he was doing on a quiet street in Carlton in the middle of the night, when he was hit by a car - and what he was wearing.

In describing Gary today, words like integrity, fortitude, determination, sophistication and intelligence roll easily off the tongue. So too do words like considerate, compassionate, fair and friendly. The list goes on, stubborn, arrogant, pig-headed and excessively opinionated. Consideration of such words has lead me to wonder what other words may be apt for Gary. I came up with the following:

SENSIBLE
(insert short story
ROMANTIC
(insert proposal story)
PRACTICAL
(insert silly mistake)
EDUCATIONAL
(insert silly mistake)
EXPRESSIVE
(did he throw up on the bucks night?)
UPSTANDING
(speeding fines etc)
COMMUNICATOR
(an example of foot in mouth statement)

Enough embarrassment.
I want to be sincere for a moment if I may
Today Gary and Jenny were married. You only have to look at their faces to see it was the right thing for them to do. I am extremely honoured to have been part of such a wonderful event. In this day and age it is easy to be cynical about marriage. It's easy to say "Oh, I don't need to get married to prove my relationship." We all know the alarming statistics about the success of marriages these days. And does this make it easier not to get married? Yes. Does it make the act of getting married more daunting? Yes. So doesn't it therefore mean that to get married these days requires a deeper level of love and understanding and commitment? Yes. Does it have meaning? Oh yes. Today Gary and Jenny expressed their love and devotion to each other in the ultimate way. I call that significant.

Gary, you are an extremely lucky man. It is very clear that Jenny is a witty, charming, creative, down-to-earth yet sophisticated woman who is very easy to talk to and get along with. A woman like that deserves the best in a husband so it's a good thing Gary that you got in before he came along. Just kidding.

(Parents of the Bride), you have every right to be proud of your little girl and choice she made. (Parents of the Groom), you are also bursting with pride I know. And if I may say this, based on my relationship with Michael (deceased parent), I believe he would say something like: Gary is my son, he is the sort of son who makes it easy for a father to be proud. I accept and love Jenny unreservedly as my daughter. I believe he might have said something like that because that's what he said to me ten years ago and it was exactly the right thing to say.

Ladies and Gentlemen, to the beautiful couple, Mr and Mrs Gary and Jenny McMillan.

Now, to complete the ceremony there is one final exchange of vows required. Gary and Jenny, if you join me for a moment please.
Etc etc etc

Gary repeat after me "Yes Dear, you were right."
Jenny repeat after me. "I know Dear, but I still love you."
"I now pronounce you ready to fight and make-up as H & W."

Contact the Author: Brett of BAFmedia.com